Cookie's NFL Investment Strategies: Week 2

Written by Cookie
Wednesday, 09 September 2009 15:52

With book sales flagging, NOLAFugees has enlisted former society columnist Cookie to invest wisely $10,000 of unsecured credit. Cookie has promised he will garner a return on investment that will exceed both the interest rate and the vig. For the benefit of our readers, Cookie has agreed to share his investment strategies in a weekly column. Here is Week 2. Last week's results on page 2.

Last week me come close to beating vig. Me only drop $280 thanks to big wager on Denver. Me rage at Detroit for spotting Saints 14 points before anthem crooner Bryan Batt get off field. Overall, though, me proud of results after long layoff. Me expect big things this week, so me suggest you get on train now.

Oakland at Kansas City (-3)
Raiders bail me out with late Sunday night cover. Me going to roll it into big road upset.
Me lay 330 on Oakland Result: Oakland 13, Kansas City 10 +300

Houston at Tennessee (-7)
Me wonder if murdered local hero Steve McNair will get full Pat Tillman treatment for Titans home opener. Both killed by friendly fire. Either way, team will be highly motivated.
Me lay 220 on Tennessee Result: Houston 34, Tennessee 31 -220

New England at New York Jets (+4)
Patriots dick around and wait for Bills to implode. It no way to win championship. Lucky for them, Jets equally adept at finding ways to lose.
Me lay 220 on New England Result: New York Jets 16, New England 9. -220

Cincinnati at Green Bay (-9)
Intriguing game. Even if Bengals throw game like last week, will they fuck up enough to blow points? Me love Vegas for infusing shit game with such drama.
Me lay 330 on Cincinnati Result: Cincinnati 31, Green Bay 24 +300

Minnesota at Detroit (+10)
Me going heavy on Favre heroics. He see last week's Drew Brees numbers against Lions and want to cash in while he can.
Me lay 330 on Minnesota Result: Minnesota 27, Detroit 13 +300

New Orleans at Philadelphia (+1)
Finally, me locate venue willing to take action on game. Me going to spend weekend as "WHO DAT" asshole.
Me lay 220 on New Orleans Result: New Orleans 48, Philadelphia 22 +200

Carolina at Atlanta (-6)
It throwback weekend in Atlanta this Sunday. Me sad they going all the way back to 1966. Heyday for me was "Stankonia"-era Outkast.
Me lay 220 on Atlanta Result: Atlanta 28, Carolina 20 +200

St. Louis at Washington (-10)
Extra half-point key in me cashing in on Redskins as they only lose to Giants by 6. Excellent work. Such efficiency already being pointed to as how Washington should be run. Citizens only need a few points to get ahead. That all we ask. Watch how well it work for Rams this week.
Me lay 220 on St. Louis Result: Washington 9, St. Louis 7. +200

Arizona at Jacksonville (-3)
Me read where mayor of Jacksonville out whoring tickets to avoid local blackout. It about to get ugly in already ugly city. Me hate to put money on Kurt Warner, but this his moment.
Me lay 220 on Arizona Result: Arizona 31, Jacksonville 17 +200

Seattle at San Francisco (-1.5)
Battle of Undefeated NFC West Titans!!! And you missed it because you not give shit about west coast football.
Me lay 110 on Seattle Result: San Francisco 23, Seattle 10 -110

Tampa Bay at Buffalo (-5)
Me not sure if Bills' piss-away show Monday sign of worse things to come. Me going to give benefit of doubt and go heavy one more time. What bad could come of betting big on the Bills?
Me lay 330 on Buffalo Result: Buffalo 33, Tampa Bay 20 +300

Cleveland at Denver (-3)
It make me weep to see "Cleveland vs. Denver" in print. Bring back grim memories of late 80s excess and exorbitant tabs at Shotgun Willie's. Elway notorious for walking check. Cleveland notorious for horrible losses.
Me lay 440 on Denver Result: Denver 27, Cleveland 6 +400

Baltimore at San Diego (-3)
Ravens look good against shitty Chiefs. Chargers look bad against shitty Oakland. Why this seem so easy?
Me lay 330 on Baltimore Result: Baltimore 31, San Diego 26 +300

Pittsburgh at Chicago (+3)
Me have strong feeling Bears put up spirited game in tribute to injured Brian Urlacher, then they collapse. Go heavy and get ready to short sell.
Me lay 330 on Chicago Result: Chicago 17, Pittsburgh 14 +300

New York Giants at Dallas (-3)
To hell with game, me want to bet heavy on punt hitting Jumbotron, or whether Tony Romo become distracted by his own overblown image.
Me lay 220 on New York Giants Result: New York Giants 33, Dallas 31 +200

Indianapolis at Miami (+3.5)
Colts can't suck yet, can they? Me say they can.
Me lay 220 on Miami Result: Indianapolis 27, Miami 23 -220

Week 1 results: (-280)
Total bankroll: $9720
Week 2: $3900 in wagers. $390 in vig.

Me grateful NOLAFugees give me opportunity to spend other people's money. It the only way to go in this town.  Just ask all the young idealists on the nonprofit tit. Me have to say that Ten Dimes not much of start up. Maybe me get Leslie Jacobs to match funds. She know how to bet heavy.

But for now, me work with what me have. Here this week’s financial advice.

Tennessee at Pittsburgh (-6)
Defending Super Bowl champs at home, full of piss and vinegar after getting ass kicked by Titans last year. Look for Big Ben to be highly focused and motivated. Rape charge recede in fans’ minds as long as he posts W’s.
Me lay 220 on Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh 13, Tennessee 10 (OT) -220

Miami at Atlanta (-4)
Miami love to win in September. Then again, so do Falcons. Me also big fan of Michael Turner ever since he get me into VIP section at Blue Flame. Loyalty worth an investment.
Me lay 330 on Atlanta. Atlanta 19, Miami 7. +300

Kansas City at Baltimore (-13)
Chiefs' Matt Cassell hurt. Probably won’t play. But even if he do, no way he overcome emotional Steve McNair tribute, who ran out his career in B-More. Me also sad for McNair. Me have similar domestic situations in past. There but for grace of God go me. Question is whether emotional momentum worth 13 points? If Ravens can score 14, me say yes.
Me lay 220 on Baltimore. Baltimore 38, Kansas City 24. +200

Philadelphia at Carolina (+2)
Me want to know when Feds drop hammer on Cajun boy Jake Delhomme’s underground cockfighting operation. Until that day come, me like getting points at home.
Me lay 220 on Carolina. Philadelphia 38, Carolina 10. -220

Denver at Cincinnati (-4)
Me look for Broncos here to look impressive in order to sucker me into going heavy on them later in season. Me fool them by going heavy now.
Me lay 440 on Denver. Denver 12, Cincinnati 7. +400

Minnesota at Cleveland (+4.5)
Can’t blame Brett Favre for not wanting to stay retired. Country boy image good for whoring Wrangler jeans, but one week back in Kiln would make anyone want to reach for the Vicodin.
Me lay 220 on Minnesota. Minnesota 34, Cleveland 20. +200

New York Jets at Houston (-5)
Sanchez v. Schaub. Is this quarterback matchup, or litmus test case during Sotomayor confirmation hearings? Either way, me contractually obligated to go Spanish.
Me lay 110 on New York Jets. New York Jets 24, Houston 7. +100

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (-7)
Peyton Manning a huckster after me own heart. He even get to do DirecTV ad with cheerleader bitches. Get in now before age start to take its toll, probably by Week 8.
Me lay 330 on Indianapolis. Indianapolis 14, Jacksonville 12. -330

Detroit at New Orleans (-13.5)
Dammit! Why so many points? Oddly enough, it same spread if you wager on two cities’ annual per capita murder tally. Look it up on Bodog.
Me lay 220 on Detroit. (Fuck off!!) New Orleans 45, Detroit 27. -220

Dallas at Tampa Bay (+6)
Romo desperate to make people believe again, and me pretty sure Bucs will suck this year. Points at home mean shit here. Me hold nose for this one.
Me lay 110 on Dallas. Dallas 34, Tampa Bay 21. +100

San Francisco at Arizona (-6.5)
Why me have feeling Cardinals are going to get out gate hobbling? Anything to do with 0-4 preseason record? Or me letting hatred for Kurt Warner cloud me objectivity?
Me lay 220 on San Francisco. San Francisco 20, Arizona 16. -220

Washington at New York Giants (-6.5)
This where NFC East suckup Joe Buck going to be broadcasting? Fuck him. Me all about Artie Lange.
Me lay 110 on Washington. New York 23, Washington 17. +100 (Suck it, Joe Buck!!!)

St. Louis at Seattle (-8.5)
This the game you want to refer to when you explain why you not have DirecTV.
Me lay 110 on Seattle. Seattle 28, St. Louis 0. +100 (Fuck DirecTV! No need to watch to cash in.)

Chicago at Green Bay (-3.5)
Time for Jay Cutler to pad stats before shitty Chicago weather ruin career.
Me lay 330 on Chicago. Green Bay 21, Chicago 15. -330

Buffalo at New England (-11)
Ahh, welcome back Tom “Cash In” Brady. What’s 11 points? Brady get eleven points on one good knee, which all he has.
Me lay 440 on New England. New England 25, Buffalo 24. -440

San Diego at Oakland (+9)
This the game you watch when your domestic situation so vile you’d rather stare at goalposts, or if you desperate to break even after horrible week. Me tempted to wait, but NOLAFugees not allow impulse bets. Me need to work on re-establishing trust.
Me lay 220 on Oakland. San Diego 24, Oakland 20. +200

That $3500 in wagers plus $350 in vig. Got to build stack quick. Me ready for some football!!

Week One: -280.